Cheryl Goh the inconsistent blogger

Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life

When I was four, I searched vigilantly for my birth certificate hoping to find clues about my real parents. I believed I was adopted when my parents started to pay more attention to my newly born sister. No longer was I the only child, the center of the universe. She was their precioussss now… My childish insecurities whispered that surely they were not my real parents. They did not love me as much as they loved their new child. My heart believed there was a mummy and daddy out there searching for me. Wanting to shower me with the love and attention I was accustomed to, that I deserved. My birth certificate eventually told me there was no one out there and I was all alone.

My teenage years were rough. At a very young age I sought happiness and comfort from my friends. They were my family, they were my life and my life was good. But at 13 my family moved states and I was wrenched from my roots and throw into an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar faces. These faces didn’t like my face because I was eligible to enter the “A” class (for the brightest students) despite being the “new girl” at school. I tried so hard to fit in and cycled between different cliques in school. Eventually I became friends with girls from another class whom today are still my dearest of friends. Life got a little better. On the surface I was invincible, a known rebel hanging out with a really cool group. On the inside, I was hollow and echoed with insecurities.

College brought about another big change. I was alone again, until I found my first serious boyfriend. I changed my degree program to be with him because I didn’t want to go to America. I loved being loved and I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone ever again. He was studying accountancy. I hated accountancy but enroll for ACCA I did. When the relationship fell apart, I changed programs again to be close to my new boyfriend. It exposed the extent of my dependence on other people. I was so afraid of being alone, that the comforts of NOW meant more than my future. Life progressively got worst. I was obese and had no identity of my own. I did whatever my boyfriend did; I played games, skipped school, drank and wasted a big part of my life. I walked away from college with a degree but very little of anything else.

I started working and got involved with a string of men and a bunch of friends I should have never gotten involved in. Somehow I still smiled for the cameras, no one knew how truly depress I was and how dependent I was on being totally wasted day in and day out to maintain my sanity.

Three years later, I look back and almost can’t relate to my own past. Life has taken such a wonderful turn I can’t even remember why I spent so many years feeling so empty. I have the greatest parents, a loving sister, a job I love, an angel for a boyfriend and a handful of precious friends.

Perhaps someone up there decided to give me a break. Perhaps the bitterness of life has made it so much sweeter. Perhaps I have grown up to accept and appreciate life’s challenges. Perhaps I am my own person, perhaps, perhaps, I am at peace with my inner demons.